the fall of a mother

this was it!

this was the moment that i had seen in my nightmares so many times!!!

i held him to my breast... that was usually when he would stop crying and curl up and close his eyes and suckle away to slumber... but not today.

it was not crying, but those pausing to breathe type of sobs...

then i held him close to me... in a warm comfy embrace but he fought himself away from me... i whispered in his ears, "mumma hai beta koi nahi beta mamma sab thik kar degi... kishne kiya meri jaan ko?na jaan rona nahi meri babu... rona nahi mera shona..."

the sobbing continiued!

and then came anita in our room...

he looked at her started crying louder...

i tried to calm him down and then it happened!

my heart broke into a million pieces... kabir held his arms out to anita and as she picked him up and held him, he became instantly silent! instantly...

it was my turn to sob now...

i felt betrayed...

hurt...

like kabir had just cheated on me...

i was ceaselessly becoming more and more helpless at the hands of my emotions...

kailash said something to me that i couldnt really pay enough attention to understand... yet... i whispered to him even as i said in my head... dont say anything,"why did kabir not want to be pacified by me? why did he rush to anita?"and even as kailash tried to console me, i buried my face in the pillow and curled up... and wept and wept and i asked god... is this because i do not pray to you daily?

is this because i havent visited a temple?

and it struck me... i was missing the point i needed to weep here about what just had happened... the no praying in temple was another issue to be sorted with god... i curled up further, if i could, and asked God ... why did you do this to me?

i am a good child of yours?

why make me fall in my own eyes?

was it god's way of poetic justice .. working for me keeps Anita away from her kids... so my son will be drawn away from me?

is this karma?

or have i gradually descended to the high society mom status, who's children are brought up by the ayas and whos kids go onto be famous and say hideous things like "my mom and dad were never there for me... my DAIMA  brought me up..."

have i failed?

i was a lame lame lame wife but a bad mother,

 that was positively the last straw...

kailash held me ... SAID IT MEANT NOTHING...

THAT  i was being silly...

i love him...

but was i?