i donno wht to call this

well here's an update and i promise to write regularly from now on.
well , so finally, i have cleared my fifth semester in bachelors of mass media.... hmm shouldn't it be spinsters of mass media in my case... well then again, i am married so that doesn't apply either.

i wanted to watch the social network and well its off the theaters here... thats so pissing off.... any ways...

i went to college today and yet again, filled up a form and all that. and well need to go again tomorrow!
i just want to be done with the paper work.... paperwork makes me really nervous... i hate doing paperwork...

well, Kailash is still away. its almost been a week... as much as i am happy and grateful to god that he is so busy, which keeps my and many other people's hearth alive, i really wish i could have him to myself for a few days once in a while.
i miss him terribly... so much so that i miss him even when he is back... although he fumes when i fight with him over this, i know deep inside he knows what i really mean...

i recently threw his blackberry... LOL... u should have seen his face!!! well at least it got his attention!

Kabir is going to be an year old! my baby... its just yesterday i heard you cry for the first time. just yesterday u destroyed all the walls i had built brick by brick wound by wound around myself... just yesterday u smiled...fell asleep on my breast... wrapped yourself around my finger...

OK i need to be stop this sentimental stuff... but anyways... i am going to blog about food soon on a regular basis... on another blog though with a beautiful friend...

i am reiki attuned by the way... more about it later...

god blesss...

the fall of a mother

this was it!

this was the moment that i had seen in my nightmares so many times!!!

i held him to my breast... that was usually when he would stop crying and curl up and close his eyes and suckle away to slumber... but not today.

it was not crying, but those pausing to breathe type of sobs...

then i held him close to me... in a warm comfy embrace but he fought himself away from me... i whispered in his ears, "mumma hai beta koi nahi beta mamma sab thik kar degi... kishne kiya meri jaan ko?na jaan rona nahi meri babu... rona nahi mera shona..."

the sobbing continiued!

and then came anita in our room...

he looked at her started crying louder...

i tried to calm him down and then it happened!

my heart broke into a million pieces... kabir held his arms out to anita and as she picked him up and held him, he became instantly silent! instantly...

it was my turn to sob now...

i felt betrayed...

hurt...

like kabir had just cheated on me...

i was ceaselessly becoming more and more helpless at the hands of my emotions...

kailash said something to me that i couldnt really pay enough attention to understand... yet... i whispered to him even as i said in my head... dont say anything,"why did kabir not want to be pacified by me? why did he rush to anita?"and even as kailash tried to console me, i buried my face in the pillow and curled up... and wept and wept and i asked god... is this because i do not pray to you daily?

is this because i havent visited a temple?

and it struck me... i was missing the point i needed to weep here about what just had happened... the no praying in temple was another issue to be sorted with god... i curled up further, if i could, and asked God ... why did you do this to me?

i am a good child of yours?

why make me fall in my own eyes?

was it god's way of poetic justice .. working for me keeps Anita away from her kids... so my son will be drawn away from me?

is this karma?

or have i gradually descended to the high society mom status, who's children are brought up by the ayas and whos kids go onto be famous and say hideous things like "my mom and dad were never there for me... my DAIMA  brought me up..."

have i failed?

i was a lame lame lame wife but a bad mother,

 that was positively the last straw...

kailash held me ... SAID IT MEANT NOTHING...

THAT  i was being silly...

i love him...

but was i?

20 Serendipity

and you touch me, like dew drops do fire...

and then you'r gone...

and again u fall, and again and again... on my flesh, making me feel alive...

and i lie back, letting you pour over my body and in between my thighs... like fingertips running through my hair, you make me curl, make me unfold and there i lie like thats all i must...

so i wait for my secrets to unfold... for the breeze to whisper the blush in my ears...

and my beauty bathes in all its abandon... and the cold damp youth of my dream seeps into my reality...

i lift my hands... to touch my lips... and feel his fingertips, explore my mouth... his eyes trace a tantalising thin line from my mouth to my heart... making the heat inside flicker...

and i wonder, where have i gone?

what wrong turn must i have taken?

that so sadly, i lost my way?

how is it???

i feel u in my veins, even from miles apart... yet when u touch me, --- nothing???